Let her go, let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be

Hootie & The Blowfish, “Let Her Cry”

It’s over. Her stuff is gone. Not packed, but actually gone. And something is different, this time around. You’ve had fights before. Split up before. Taken breaks. Tried to work it out. But this time is different. It’s truly over.

You’re feeling an unexpected combination of sadness and relief. Perhaps still a bit of shock, but deep down you’re already starting to cope, by focusing on the future rather than on salvaging something from the past.  Today is the first day in the new chapter of your life, and you’re making a new decision.

Yesterday, she left you. Today, you let her go.

Some things are broken beyond repair. Marriages don’t end over trivial disagreements, marriages end over fundamental differences in beliefs. The arguments are just a product of those differences, the tip of the iceberg that’s visible above the surface, when the real issue is much deeper and larger.  The arguments over how many pairs of shoes she owned weren’t about the shoes: they were about a difference in beliefs on money and how to spend it. The arguments on where to spend your vacation or how much time one of you spent at work were about differences in lifestyle beliefs, nothing more.

The important thing to remember during the healing process is that these arguments didn’t happen because one person was right or wrong, these arguments happened simply because your beliefs were not in alignment.

It’s just what’s so. Only limited distances can be travelled with this kind of misalignment before greater damage to the vehicle we call marriage is inflicted. Differences in beliefs may not be noticeable in the beginning; they may seem like a slight wobble from which you both seem to recover. But as time progresses, and the relationship gains momentum, disparities in beliefs create more discord and threaten the integrity of your relationship. Any chance of recovery or salvaging the marriage requires a significant adjustment.

The solace to be taken is that neither of you actually need to be fixed. Neither of you are broken and neither of you are intrinsically wrong; you simply have a difference in beliefs.

Changing one’s belief system can be accomplished of course, but it requires, among other things, a fair amount of soul searching, self inventory, and of course a willingness to begin the process. Part of your sense of relief may come from the fact that you don’t have to argue any more: the resistance and discord over things that should not have been so difficult are finally over. Too much damage had been done in your relationship. She left. She is gone. And someday, you will thank her.

Today, you let her go. Today you’re letting go of that which was never going to work from the beginning, no matter your best intentions. Today you’ll take what you’ve learned and use it to improve on your next relationship. You’ll identify what your fundamental beliefs are and whether or not they serve you any longer. You’ll give thought to things that are important to you in the different areas of your life. You’ll decide whether or not things that were important to you at the start of your previous marriage still matter to you anymore, and what still does. And you will list these in order of importance to you.

Once you are clear on where you stand, you’ll be better suited to find someone who shares your belief structure. Imagine a relationship where you agree on the major decisions, where small decisions are harmonious, where you are both headed in the same direction, wheels in alignment, because you both agree on the things that are important to you. What a joyous journey that could be, no?

Believe me when I tell you it’s possible. But you have to be mindful. You have to know what’s important to you, first. You don’t have to find someone that’s perfect, because you’re not either. You only have to find someone that’s perfect, for you.

And she’s out there. She’s just in front of you. The one behind you? Let her go.

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