What if you set out to get married for her faults? What if you married your spouse, not despite, but because she tended to spend too much money on clothes or because she was late everywhere she went?
Taking a new look at your partner’s faults and weaknesses could be the secret to a lasting marriage!
Sure – It Starts Out Great
There are few things in life as exciting as a new budding romance. At first, it is all about the butterflies and fast beating hearts. Holding hands, stealing little kisses, and talking through the night are all you need and want. Your mind is cloudy, and you can barely see anything else through those rose colored glasses. You’ve found the perfect person – your soulmate. Sigh…
Now skip ahead five years and you’ll see a different picture. That perfect person you married a few years ago has all of these faults, and those faults are driving you crazy. What happened? Why does the honeymoon have to end? How could that perfect love turn into this nightmare? She used to be perfect, right? Well, actually no.
Reality Kicks In
No one is perfect. You simply didn’t get married for her faults. Heck, you probably didn’t even care that she had faults back then. You only married her for her strengths. Can anyone marry someone for her faults and weaknesses? And why would you want to do that?
Eventually, those rose colored glasses wear out. You’ve kissed a million times, and holding hands no longer gives you that same rush. Late night conversations turned to late night TV.
Instead of worshiping the ground she walks on, you now get irritated when she leaves the kitchen light on or eats potato chips off your plate. People don’t view marriage as a union of two flawed people, when that is exactly what marriage is.
People don’t view marriage as a union of two flawed people, when that is exactly what marriage is.
Two imperfect people come together with all their individual faults and baggage, and they’re supposed to make it work. Most people get married because of the good qualities that attracted them to their partners. All the good stuff made up for the negative stuff we weren’t so fond of.
It’s Not Too Late To Reconsider
Here is the thing. If you could love her for all the things that aren’t perfect, imagine how strong your marriage would be right now. We all have faults. Imagine someone loving you for your faults. Is it possible to love someone enough to get married for her faults?
The answer is “Yes!”
You can love someone and be fully aware of her faults, and if you do your marriage will likely last. What if you are already married – is it too late? Nope, but it will take a shift in mindset. You will need to STAY married for her faults.
How Do You Annoy Me? Let Me Count the Ways!
First make a list, whether you are married or not. Get out a pen and paper. Yes, you will need to make a physical list. Write down all of the flaws or things you dislike about your partner, especially if your didn’t get married for her faults.
Write down everything that drives you nuts. I’m not saying you should show her this list or discuss it over dinner. You should probably throw it away when you’re finished so she won’t find it one day and wonder why you are listing her faults!
I will go through the exercise using my husband as an example. This is a list of my husband’s “faults” that I knew about before our wedding day.
- He bites and picks his fingernails. I hate it. Watching him mutilate his fingers and turn them into bloody stumps makes me want to drop kick him in the gut. I cringe as his hand approaches his mouth.
- He doesn’t worry about money. We are a family of three (including an infant), and he will spend $400 or more at the grocery store for one week’s worth of food. I give him a list of maybe $100 worth of groceries, but it doesn’t matter.
- He makes purchases on Amazon at the bat of an eye. He doesn’t look at our bank account, and he doesn’t stick to a budget. Why am I the only one that cares if we put money into the savings account this month?
- He is obsessive about the kitchen. He will unload dishes that I load into the dishwasher so that he can load them his way. He has to be the one that organizes the pantry and the cabinets because his way is the only way. He wipes the refrigerator three times a day because a fingerprint is not acceptable.
So there they are. The majority of the reasons we argue are staring me in the face in black ink. Even though as I wrote them I could feel myself getting worked up, they somehow look differently on paper.
Is it possible to reconsider my husband’s “faults” and see them as things I love about him? How could I possibly love bloody stumps?
How Bad Is It… Really?
I knew all of these things about my husband before we married. I still said “Yes” on that sunny day in June. I didn’t call it quits because he bit his nails. In fact, his nails were probably bloody on our wedding day. So why is my blood pressure so high when I see him chewing today? It wasn’t a deal breaker before our wedding day. So is it really so bad?
Is it so bad that our kitchen is always clean and organized? I don’t have to clean the kitchen or load the dishwasher, so why am I complaining? Is it so bad that he buys me things, I’d never buy on my own because I’m stingy with money and he isn’t? I do enjoy the flowers that are always a piece of the $400 grocery bill.
Maybe You Did Get Married For Her Faults
Are my husband’s “faults” more about me than him? I admit, it is pretty convenient that he cleans the kitchen, and I do enjoy the unique dinners he prepares with all of the food he buys at the grocery store.
And finally – maybe he chews his fingernails because he is nervous or anxious about something that I don’t know about.
If you take another look at your list of things that drive you nuts about your partner, you will probably realize they aren’t a big deal after all. In fact, maybe they are things you can love. Maybe I can love that my kitchen is spotless 365 days a year – without me having to lift a finger!
The strength you will find in your marriage when you marry (or stay married to) someone for her faults will surprise you. How can your marriage fail if you truly love someone for her faults, instead of despite them?
We are all imperfect human beings. We were designed that way. No two people are perfect for each other. We make ourselves perfect by not only accepting, but actually loving the faults of others.
If you find yourself stuck in a revolving door of the same fight over and over with your spouse, take some time out and reevaluate. Break the cycle of endless arguments. You don’t have anything to lose, and you potentially have a stronger marriage to gain.
Did you see your partner’s faults before marriage? Did you have a rude awakening to your spouse’s flaws? Share you experience in the comments below!
- Ever been in a relationship that was humming along swimmingly? You thought everything was good, maybe even a little too much so. But you wanted to avoid judgment and self-sabotage. So you ignored all those huge red flags. Hindsight, the all-knowing big brother that already made the exact same mistakes,…