What happened to happily ever after? Isn’t married life supposed to be great? You were passionately in love before. What happened? Suddenly you realize that you hate your wife – the same woman that was your best friend and love of your life. So now what?
Who Is This Person?
Not so long ago you worshiped the ground she walked on. You now feel as if you wake up next to a stranger in bed every morning. Everything she does or says irritates you. What are you supposed to do when you hate your wife? Do you stay? Do you leave?
Marriage isn’t easy. Love isn’t easy. When the going gets rough, it’s easy to give up. It’s easy to say “I hate my wife” and walk away. But you know how the old saying goes right? “Nothing worth having comes easy.”
You have to ask yourself, are you going to continue to hate your wife? Or are you going to do something about it? If you are going to do something about it, what do you need to do? Here are some things to consider before making a decision to leave your wife.
Who (Or What) Are You Really Hating On
Life is a whirlwind. It moves at a hundred miles per hour. You wake up one day and wonder where the time went. You were supposed to be more successful by now. You were supposed to have more money by now. You were supposed to be happy.
Maybe you haven’t landed your dream job yet. Maybe your children aren’t as picture perfect as you’d hoped. Maybe you are twenty pounds heavier than you want to be. It is very normal to be upset and frustrated when you dislike something about yourself or something in your life.
Take a long hard look at what is making you unhappy. What is it that you hate? Is it only your wife? Or is it something else? Perhaps you are taking out your frustrations on her when it’s something else making you unhappy.
Maybe it isn’t your wife that you hate after all. Could it be your job? Could it be your debt? Would you honestly be any happier if she wasn’t around? Would you miss her if you didn’t see her every day?
Do you REALLY hate her? Or do you hate something else? Be straight with yourself. Hiding from the truth won’t do anything for you.
You Have The Power To Hate Your Wife – Or Not
Remember those butterflies in your gut, back when you were dating? Those butterflies don’t last. They go away. What’s left is a marriage you have to work at every single day to maintain. The love that remains is a deeper love. It’s a love you have to protect.
You must choose the lasting type of love. It won’t survive on its own. You must choose to love your wife or you can choose not to. You can choose to work on your marriage or you can choose to walk away.
If you choose to love your wife, you will find yourself softening and the love rekindling. You will find those butterflies again, and you will find that deeper love, but you will have to work at it every day for the rest of your marriage. The decision to strengthen your marriage by choosing to love your wife is yours to make.
How to Retool Your Feelings For Your Wife
If you make the choice to love your wife, it’s going to take a shift in the way you think. Here are solid tips to get your head in the right place.
Stop Living in the Past
How often do you find yourself thinking (or saying) something along the lines of “that isn’t how you used to act” or “we used to do this?” You need to stop living in the past.
People and relationships change as time goes on. You probably used to act a lot different, too. I bet you used to bring her flowers and open car doors. The truth is that you probably both feel as if you were tricked.
The beginning of a relationship is fun. There is romance and laughter. There is usually a lot of intimacy. Then as time goes on, it slowly fades away. Can you get it back? Absolutely. Try focusing on your actions rather than hers.
Having trouble remembering how to be tender and need some suggestions to get you started? This list provides at least 30 different non-sexual ways to show affection to your wife. When you are nicer to her, your wife will feel happier. And you know what they say….a happy wife equals a happy life.
Stop Comparing your Spouse to Others
Social media rules our world. We know things about other people we would never have known before. You can clearly see on Facebook that best pal Joe’s wife makes him great dinners every night and allows him to go to poker games on Saturday evenings.
You see pictures of your buddy Dillan and his wife out on the town enjoying each other’s company. Are you wondering why your wife can’t be as cool as theirs? Why doesn’t your wife dress in cute skirts and hold your hand while out in public?
Here is the bad thing about social media: people only post the good stuff. Joe isn’t going to post about the horrific fight he had with his wife last Saturday before he left for poker. Dillan isn’t going to post that he hasn’t had sex in three months.
Comparing your wife to what you see on social media is unfair because you don’t see the true picture.
Spend Time Together Without the Kids
You may think that your wife is awful and boring. Her life revolves around the kids, and that is all she seems to think about. Well duh…she is probably focusing on the kids because her marriage is in shambles.
Take her focus off of the kids by doing something fun without them. Take her out on a real date and have a real conversation. Do something fun together. Try something different, maybe even adventurous. Show her a side of you that she hasn’t seen in a while. It will bring her attention back to you.
Ask Nicely For What You Want
Sometimes we just have to ask for what we want. It may be that your wife doesn’t realize that you are missing something or why. For example, if your sexual relationship is failing, you could say something like “Can we have sex tonight? I really miss you.”
The nice part is crucial because if you feel like you hate her, she probably feels defensive towards you. Take a chance and put your needs out there. She will respond.
The Path Won’t Be Easy
If you have made the choice to love your wife again, congratulations! The path won’t be easy. Sometimes you might feel like you made the wrong choice. Sometimes you will still feel like you hate her. Marriage isn’t easy. Remember why you are working to save it. And if you did choose to stay, choose to love. Love your wife. Love her every day. Do this, and she will love you too.
Do you hate your wife too much to stay? Have you overcome hateful feelings to save your marriage? Tell us about the decisions you made, in the comments below!
For more insights into handling a troubled marriage, Cherie Morris shares four ways to protect your relationship in Preventing Divorce.
Already in trouble? A. Baker explains how Counseling Can Save Your Marriage.