Sex after divorce can be a magical combination of exhilarating, forbidding, awkward and satisfying all in ways you never imagined. A stark contrast from a deteriorating married life where it may have been months, years even, since sex was enjoyable or even present. For many newly divorced men, the thought of sex after divorce is met with optimism and apprehension. Keeping the 5 P’s of sex after marriage in mind can make the difference between a kiss goodnight and a kiss good morning.
Patience – Take it Easy on Yourself
The time leading up to sex after divorce may leave you feeling like a bumbling teenager complete with misread signals, clumsy kisses and the occasional awkward moment. If you find yourself plagued with deflating bouts of self-doubt remember this: you no longer have to ask dad to borrow the car and are now a legitimate member of Dollar Shave Club. Which is to say, all is not lost.
Have patience with yourself, mentally. Meet yourself where you stand. You may have mentally left your marriage long before it was over and are ready to put yourself back on the market. Awesome. Hop to it, the dating world is your oyster. On the other hand, if the divorce was not your idea and you’re still licking your wounds, be easy on yourself. Timing matters and when the weight that keeps you from running full speed into the next phase of your life has lifted, you’ll know it. Meanwhile, be easy.
Have patience with yourself, emotionally. Sex after divorce can be intensely liberating, and you may experience a release that goes well beyond the physical. Buried resentments may rise to the surface. Your ex’s voice and things she used to say. Old fears. New fears. You may wonder why on earth you waited so long, remained unhappy for as long as you did, or never had the guts to try that new position. Looking at your present sex life through the eyes of your past is like taking your ex to bed with you, the effects can be deflating. Recognize it, and understand that this too shall pass.
Have patience with yourself, physically. Sex after divorce if full of firsts you may not have considered. You spent years married to someone you knew inside and out. The new woman in your bed is unchartered territory. Her wants, likes, touch, all of this and more are yours to discover. Every woman will respond differently. Give yourself time to figure out what works, for both of you.
Play – Exploring Your New World
Think of sex after divorce as a clean slate. If you want to try something new, now’s the time. It’s a whole new world, so have fun and live a little! Figure out what your style is and understand what makes you happy. Or what would, if presented with a willing partner.
Understand that for a woman, sex begins long before you reach the bedroom. Paying attention to what she wants and making an effort to deliver will elevate the experience for both of you. LIke a variation on the old but wise children’s song, stop, look and listen, before you cross the sheets.
Concerned that you’ll never figure out what she wants? Take the 5 Love Languages Quiz and get a better understand of how you like to be treated. In doing so, you’ll be better suited to understand how and what makes her respond positively. Simple yet profound and the positive impact will leave aftershocks in the bedroom.
If you both respond well to physical touch, couples massages may be the way to go. If her love language is acts of service, run her a bubble bath. If yours turns out to be quality time, tell her. Not only will she be impressed that you’ve taken the quiz, she’ll make an effort on your behalf. Ask, and ye shall receive.
Passion – The Sex Life You Always Wanted
Now is the time to have the sex life you’ve always wanted. Understand everything you have working for you to that end. You’re not the same person you were when you first got married. You’re older. More experienced. Aware. You had a taste of what you didn’t want and it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Sex after divorce can be whatever you want it to be.
Somewhere out there is woman who finds you attractive, who wants you to take her to bed and rock her world.
You can ask for things like an adult, and find a willing partner who is able to tell you what she wants. But wait! There’s more! Somewhere out there is woman who finds you attractive, who wants you to take her to bed and rock her world. She may even teach you a thing or two you didn’t know was possible.
Protection – Adult Sex After Divorce
Ever read the story about the guy that played the slots once and won a million dollars? Or the other guy that took one closed-eye shot from the half-court line and made it? Or any other titillating stories of people who had a million-to-one shot and hit it big?
Yeah, don’t be that guy.
It truly only takes a single contact to incur consequences that could last you a lifetime. And the odds are much lower than winning the lottery. Pregnancy. Sexually transmitted diseases. Some are curable. Many are not. Some are obvious. Many are not. Educate and protect yourself. Get checked. Establish a baseline and stay informed. Suit up. For life. For more on symptoms, testing and resources in your area, contact the American Sexual Health Association and learn more.
The awesome part of being single again is just that, you’re single. And an adult. You can decide to be a responsible adult who is having sex. Remember that she is too. Stay protected and stay honest.
Positivity- Enjoying the Ride
Sex after divorce can feel like a playground or a minefield. Or a playground on a minefield. Stay positive and stay the course. Rejected? Happens to best of ‘em. Hang a Michael Jordan poster in your office and keep it moving. Unable to cross the finish line? Not every athlete finishes every race. Keep training. Incompatible? It happens. Some dance partners are more thrilling than others. Some understand your rhythm and like the same music. Keep learning.
Sex after divorce brings with it a new set of challenges and opportunities. There is an exhilaration in feeling attracted to someone new. That feeling is intensified when the attraction is mutual. Yet the thought of getting into bed with someone new can be daunting. But let’s be frank, a single positive experience of fresh sex will eclipse your concerns, leave you feeling like a brand new man. If the going gets rough remember, so is growing a beard. Welcome to sex after divorce. Enjoy!
Ready to Roll? Here’s more Dating Tips for the Newly Single Man, then check out Why You Need to Get Tested for STDs Before You Start Dating.
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