In Part 1 of our two-part series, we gave you the recipe for self-promotion when you are ready to get back on the market after divorce – a simple process for newly divorced men who are ready to start dating again but who lack the tools or language to get started. In this follow up, we go beyond your immediate circle of friends to find new avenues of distribution, and we cover the ABCs of cupcakery.
Picking Your Favorite Flavor
In Part 1, your helpful friend lays the groundwork with a woman you find to be physically attractive. And while chemistry is absolutely necessary, how do you know if she’s a good match in any other regard? If you are back on the market and looking for anything beyond singularly casual, an attraction based solely on looks is not sustainable. Without compatibility, you’re just two ships passing in the night. Or the coffee shop. Or whatever.
According to the American Marketing Association, a significant part of good marketing is exchanging offerings of value for partners. You have value. But in order for marketing to work effectively, the value must be exchanged. You spend a fair amount of time baking your own value into your offerings, but do you value what she brings? Do you know what flavor even appeals to you? You have to know what’s important to you in a partner before you can truthfully answer that question.
Figuring Out What You Want In a Woman
This is where you draw up a loose ingredient list for the recipe of your ideal partner. Does she have the same interests as you? Or, are you cool with her giving you space to do your thing on your own time? Does she have to know the lyrics to your favorite song? Love to travel? Like long walks in the park?
Whatever it is, you have to be able to ask for it. Why? Because in a marketing sense, she’s your ideal customer. She is the person with which you want to exchange offerings. And while you may never fully understand her recipe, it’s key that you identify your favorite flavors and whether or not you can live without them.
This idea goes beyond your palate. In order for friends to be on the lookout on your behalf, they have to know who they’re looking for. And as we discussed in Part 1, in relationship to our value, the best way to do that is to tell them. Since your love life is likely not the main focus of your friends, you may have to tell them several times. Hey, that’s okay. It’ll be worth it.
Remember, when conjuring up the avatar for your new dream girl to leave some room for the magic to happen. Which is to say, this list is not hard and fast. You may meet someone that has a few of the qualities from your “dream list”, but comes outfitted with an entire host of those you didn’t know were possible. A skeet-shooting, rocket scientist that watches Bob’s Burgers actually exists?!
She may. Stranger things have happened.
Know Who To Ask
The key factor to remember is, and will always be, the exchange of value. You each need to feel as though you’re getting the better end of the deal. Life as you know it, as you emerge back onto the dating scene, is going to be comprised of many first dates. And life with a new partner, when you find her, is going to be a string of many more dates. You’ve identified, albeit loosely, who you are looking for. Knowing this will improve your odds of rock the first date. When done properly, better initial matches save everyone time.
But does one find ideal matches when they have exhausted their immediate resource of friends and family? The answer lies in knowing who to ask. In his New York Times best selling book The Tipping Point Malcolm Gladwell describes the three archetypes of people, including Mavens, Salespeople and Connectors.
You, my friend, need to identify the connectors within your circle. Then you, my friend, need to pick up the phone, invite them to lunch, send them a card or a singing telegram. You need their attention. And you need their help.
The awesome thing about Connectors, is that if they believe you to be a person of integrity they will be your best ally. Why? Because Connectors are individuals who have a gift for bringing people together. Connectors love playing matchmaker. And lucky for you, they are more interested in people than money. Avoid yourself a Hitch-utation and find yourself a connector that will be just as effective and hopefully not have an allergy to shellfish.
ABC’s of Cupcakery
Now that you understand how better to speak on your own behalf, empowered those around you and have an idea of the qualities of your match, it’s important to review your ABC’s. Now you may be thinking, why go back to the basics at this point? And the reason is simple.
In the now-famous scene from Glengarry Glenn Ross, Alec Baldwin’s character breaks down the ABC’s of sales. We’ll save you the pressure and simply emphasize that one must Always Be Closing. What does this mean to you? It means you must always be asking for a sale.
If you ask your friend to talk to the girl at the gym, follow up with him. If he didn’t approach her yet, go with him next time. If playing wingman helps close the deal, so be it. If you asked your Mom to perform recon with the woman at her volunteer gig, remind her. Ask her. Follow up. It’s okay to be Alec Baldwin-y if a white board and inspirational pep talk gets the job done for you. Until you get momentum and the hang of pitching yourself, it’s a numbers game and this is all part of the process.
Should you start to feel bad, or worry about imposing on too many folks, remember that a big part of a successful marketing campaign is the benefit and value an ideal exchange of offerings brings society at large. It’s for the greater good! We want you to be happy. When you’re happy, it has this amazing ripple effect of positivity in your life that the rest of us get to enjoy. You’re a nicer guy to be around when you’re in a relationship that’s doing well.
Lastly, keep the faith. If being in a successful relationship seems too much to fathom when you are freshly back on the market, remember that there is value in the hope of reciprocity, that the feelings of a potential interest may be mutual. Many people have accomplished a great deal in life running solely on the fumes of hope.
Back On The Market Is a Great Place To Be
So keep your chin up, and continue to envision what’s possible with the right person in your corner. And you in hers. Take that smile with you to work. Take it home to your kids. Share it with the elderly woman you hold the door open for. We feel better when you feel better. And you may feel so much better that you might want to stop at the store on your way to work and surprise the office with cupcakes.
Did your friends help you get back into the dating scene? Give them kudos in the comments below!
If you like cupcakes, share this article on your social media.
- What’s a divorced guy to do when it’s time to start dating again? You’re back on the market, but most people aren’t a fan of talking about themselves and what makes them awesome. It falls somewhere along the spectrum between shameless self-promotion and self-absorbed windbag. Neither hold the attention of…