For a man, divorce is never easy. Crawling back from divorce and starting over to begin a new life offers an even greater challenge. I came to learn a lot about myself in the process, and here are a few things I’ve learned which might be helpful to any man going through a divorce.
- Divorce is a scar on the existing stability of society. It destroys families and leaves both marriage partners stunned, bewildered and confused for years afterwards. If you think a man is the only one feeling the heartache and trauma of a divorce, this is not true. She is feeling the same way. It may be disguised in a pout or a look of indifference if you happen to see her on the street or in a restaurant with her friends after the divorce, but she is feeling the effects of the divorce the same way you are. She will experience them in those sleepless nights when she is tossing and turning in bed wondering if she did the right thing in letting you go. She will mull over her decision for many years wondering if she did the right thing after the marriage finally ended. However, time heals everything as they say. Time is your best ally because it heals, and healing is what you need to regain the strength, confidence and vitality that was once a very intricate part of your life. Remember when there wasn’t a thing you thought you couldn’t do. That’s the kind of confidence you need to put back into your life after a divorce.
- Never marry a future prospective spouse out of pity, thinking you are the knight on the white charger who can come into her life to change it completely. It will never happen. Many men think they are the principle “Bread-Winner” and it is their responsibility to provide for the woman. They have a good job, financial stability, and a future allowing them the opportunity to move up the ladder in their job and become prosperous. Marriage isn’t all one sided when it comes to money. The woman needs to also share financial responsibility in the marriage. What that means is she needs to work, just like you, and bring in a suitable income so that both of you can have a better life living together. Gone are the days when women believe a man can support them entirely. That will not work. This is the 21st Century, and that sort of thinking went out the door with the Beatles and Rock ‘roll music. Also, and to me this is extremely important, please take time to get to know the person you eventually want to share your life with. Crawling back from divorce takes at least a full year, maybe longer to get to know her. How does she act when faced with a stressful situation? Who are her friends? Are they friends of yours, and will they spread gossip about you behind your back when problems arise in your relationship. Small town gossip, for example, has ruined many marriages where both partners are having difficulty but trying to reconcile their differences but keep getting bad advice from friends or other family members. And finally, how does she regard you after you’ve dated her for several months. Is the bond deepening? Or are you both losing interest? That’s why I believe it is so important to take time to get to know the other person before you jump into marriage. It will pay huge dividends in your future life, especially if you find your eventual soul-mate in the woman you are currently dating. She will be there for you…one to love and support you unconditionally in everything you do
- Keep a watchful eye out for any woman who checks you out by asking what you do and how much you earn. In most cases she’s looking for a sugar daddy, a means of financial security which she’s hoping you can provide without her having to contribute much financially during the relationship.
- Although this isn’t true in every case (there are exceptions), I’ve seen an attitude in many Western World women which strongly suggests they regard themselves as privileged or entitled. I don’t honestly know what it is, or how to describe it, but you can see it in an attitude, an upturned nose or a faint, disingenuous smile. We all must live in peace and harmony in this world but being around someone harboring a superior attitude is never good for any relationship. I’ve seen too many younger men being, so to speak, led around by the nose, by a spouse who wants to dominate and control everything in the man’s life. And, as a divorcee crawling back from divorce, we are particularly vulnerable to this type of woman. We’ll do nearly anything for love and to find love and acceptance, But, there is a proce to pay. As part of the human species, you have a right to be your own person. So, by all means, avoid this type of mindless, control freak very early in the dating process. You’ll be better off in the end if you do. Again, get to know the person you intend to marry very well before slipping a ring on her finger.
Crawling back from divorce
I now live in Bangkok, Thailand, happily married for the past 17 years to a Thai national. Very early in the relationship, I was friendly, polite, and cordial. I respected her right to live and be herself around me. Her mindset and attitude were typically Thai…filled with a quiet sense of control and calmness I’d never found in any other woman I had ever dated. Not once did she ever give the impression she was privileged or entitled to anything I had. What I offered she was grateful to receive, and let me know many times while we dated. Her parents were well off financially, but she wanted a man in her life she could form an “emotional bond” with and was not out looking for his money. We eventually had a child which helped strengthen the marriage. Most Thai women are kind, respectful, and supportive of their husbands…especially if they are married to a foreign man and have a child by him. I’m not saying this is the way to go (having a child) but in my case it worked out fine.
- If divorced, stay where you are for at least one full year before you more on. You need time to get settled financially and emotionally before leaving town, which I suggest you do to start a new life over somewhere else. If you leave too early, all those old tapes and emotional baggage about the divorce will follow you into your new environment…and you don’t want to do this to yourself. It will only lead to more feelings of angst and depression.
Please remember, you are not alone. There are many divorced men just like you out looking to begin a new life. It can and will happen for you. Play it cool and be more selective about the next woman you meet. If you learn from some of the things I’ve posted here, you can and will crawl back from divorce and start over again much wiser about the next woman entering your life.