Dating Again Getting back out there after divorce.

Looking for love after a divorce can be daunting. The prospect of starting all over may seem unnerving, but at some point, you may wonder if you’re ready. The internet is full of advice on dating after divorce, but the reality is that there are no rules. It will be different for every person.

Here are some of the stories, the good, the bad and the ugly.

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57 Comments

  1. Been divorced for almost four years. Dated several women through friends, online, random meetings and also just plain hook ups.

    I met my current girlfriend just over a year ago at a friend’s church. She’s amazing! Beautiful, intelligent, independent, self employed with an incredible business she started on her own and rocks at!

    The problem? Her ex! He’s a nut job! He’s always screwing with her, messing with her kids minds, and now finding ways to get poisoned messages and info to my kids. My ex and I get along as well and ex’s can I guess, but even she has started telling me she may have to pull the kids away because of him!

    I love this woman but I’m thinking of walking away because of her ex! He’s ruining our time, tearing at my home, and potentially could destroy my relationship with my kids? Is there anything I can legally do to get him to cut this crap out or am I out of mind for leaving Miss Perfect?

    Reply
    • Geeze. So much info but not enough info. Kids ages? Simply put, her ex is causing alienation of your kids and or hers to one or both of you. I understand your Ex trying to protect your kids from the psychological onslaught. They don’t deserve it and nether do you. My suggestion is to talk with legal counsel, and especially counsel that has significant experience in psychological alienation. Talk of the specifics and legal remedies, if any, including her Ex’s possible loss of visitation rights based on his psychological abuses. Give up on the relationship? I do t know that I can recommend continuing it or abandoning it. But for sure, your kids need to be protected. And like it or not, you are their protector. Put their needs first before your own. Good luck.

      Reply
  2. Here I am…. single again. I literally think my woman picker is broken. This time so different, thankfully this wasn’t a marriage, this wasn’t years of my life. We were together for a short period. I will say that this time I didn’t make excuses for her. This time when left with the choice of back down or stand up I chose to stand.

    But what pisses me off is how quickly I moved with her. Let her into my life and my kids. What kind of idiot was I?

    Is it bad to shut down for a bit? I’m just shocked at who I was and how hell bent I was on trying to make it work. I think I need some more time just me.

    Reply
    • Being desperate for love makes us to desperate things. Take it slow for a change. You can hook up anywhere; Backpage; Craigslist if you’re really desperate. But otherwise, just like cooking a raw piece of less than prime meat: it’s low and slow. The slower, the better. Don’t confuse yourself, and least of all, don’t confuse your kids They deserve the best you have to offer.

      Reply
      • Which of the sites worked best for you for casual relationships? I know I need to slow it down for a while, but I’m not a hermit or a monk. Are there places where women are just looking for a friend or hook up?

        Reply
  3. I wish I could find the girls to date like the other guys talk about. I don’t want the ones that just want sex, but damn that’d be nice over what’s online in Kansas City! Seems they all want a new hubbie and dad for their kids!

    I have kids and shared custody. My kids are not ready for me to bring another woman around. I thought there would be women in the same boat. They’d have their kids. We’d both want to raise our kids and date when the kids were with the ex’s. Seemed logical.

    I’ve tried dating several women here that are like the situation above. Get a month or so into it and they want me to meet their kids, want to do joint stuff, and then get mad that al I want is a piece of ass when my kids are not home.

    Am I unreasonable? I’ve started stating my view on date one now. I am NOT looking to get married in the next five years, but I want someone special and companionship. Last two dates thanked me and left early.

    Reply
    • Hey, Chief. Time to take it slow. I know you’re trying to do that, and maybe you’re just not ready for the dating thing right now. If the women you’re approaching have been divorced much longer than you, they might be ready to focus their attention on just one man. So, best slow down, engage in conversation but doing the dating thing right now might not be in your best interests and I’m guessing you’re just not ready for all that might come with dating just one woman.

      Reply
      • I am perfectly ready to date, I just want to be honest and tell the women I’m not ready to be married again. My focus is on my kids, but I want companionship. Maybe over time it could go serious but my little ones are not ready.

        Do women not think this way when divorced and focused on their kids?

        Reply
        • Well, big dilemma. You’re ready to date and have physical companionship, but the women want more. They want commitment, and you’re not able to give them that right now. Understand, they’re not ready to have much of a physical relationship without some sort of commitment. They don’t want to be your convenience, your concubine, your lover, they want to be your committed wife or partner. They don’t want to waste a lot of time chasing a new husband or partner. If you’re not able to commit, even without marriage, they’re not going to hang around waiting for you to get ready.

          Reply
          • That’s my issue, Gus-almighty…you laid it out there. I’m ready for commitment, I’m ready for a partner, I just don’t want to get married, move in, or blend kids right now.

            I don’t want to have multiple girls, I want the companionship and I’m loyal. My kids just aren’t ready for a new lady! Surely there are women that have the same issue!

            So does anyone know a better way to explain my position to women so I don’t sound like a bang-em-when-I-want kind of guy? I think Gus is out on that one…anyone else?

        • Sure, you want sex with no strings from women who you will hide from your family.

          I get it. So will the women you approach. Good luck with that unless you are talking to hookers.

          Reply
  4. I may not be divorced, but I’m worried inmay be headed that way!

    My wife and I have been married 12 years. Last several have been blah, with this past year being awful. It’s like we avoid each other or just fight all the time.

    I’ve been friends with a group at work for awhile. We all joke, text, and hang out sometimes after work. One of the girls in the group and I get along really well (friendly, bonlines crossed). We are both married.

    We’ve been out to lunch a few times and sometimes text just each other. All g-rated! Well, the other day my wife’s friend saw us at lunch.

    Before I got home my wife told had scanned my phone records and swears I’m cheating on her! That’s a load of crap! Is she nuts or am I in the wrong?

    Reply
    • Regardless of the specifics, you look guilty without any evidence. That’s what it sounds like, If she’s scanned your phone records she can only tell of text messages and phone calls to your contact phone numbers, including your co-worker/friend,. but nothing more What she can’t see is the context of those text messages or phone calls. She has to “assume” without discrete evidence what she thinks you’ve been doing. So, she has nothing in reality, except appearances, and appearances can be damning in and by themselves. It would seem that you have a couple choices: 1) seek marital counseling to get at the root of your combined marital issues, 2) work it out with your wife without counseling support, but this is likely unwise as the deck is already stacked against you, 3) admit you’re no longer in love with your wife and you want to be separated from her. As simple as it may seem, it is not. You know your situation better than anyone else. Assess. Decide. Communicate. And, if you want to save your marriage, then do some soul searching to determine how you can best accomplish that goal.

      Reply
      • You are missing the point! I have done nothing wrong! I have friends…I’m not screwing anyone! Why is everyone on a damn witch hunt here!!!!!

        Reply
  5. Just had what I thought was an amazing date a few days ago. But what if she has not acknowledged whether she is attracted to me after one date and a few phone calls? It means to me that we are not compatible. She didn’t want to kiss me in the daytime in front of a restaurant because people might see us. I broke it off. I need someone who is passionate.

    Was I reading too much into this? I was married for over 20 years so I’ll admit to being clueless at dating. My ex and I dated starting in middle school, high school sweet hearts, and I never knew anything else.

    Reply
    • I’m confused by your message but nonetheless I’ll respond. So you had ONE date? Just one? And she didn’t want to kiss you in public on the first date? Really? Do you blame her? She hardly knows you. One date, one hour or so and you’re looking for and expecting passion? So I think its time for you to do a reality check. Sorry, bud. But you need to cool your jets a bit. You should expect a longer transition with someone new. If you had of given her a chance instead of breaking it off you may have found an emotionally stable and passionate partner. Instead, you blew her off because you wanted your mental and physical fantasy to be satisfied. Sorry, you lost this round.

      Reply
  6. I’m done with dating online. Just finished another date last night with a similar discovery; married!

    Is anyone online actually single? This was a girl I met a few months ago that had simply created a new profile. How is anyone married when there is so much cheating going on!

    Is this normal?

    Reply
    • Statistics show that the ladies are catching up to guys when it comes to cheating. Yeah, unfortunately, cheating exists and is likely to be on the rise due to the advent and use of social media. If you discovered your date was married and you found out on the first date, consider yourself lucky. You could have gone on with this relationship for weeks or months before finding out the truth. Be glad you found out when you did so you didn’t suffer through an emotional heartbreak too.

      Reply
      • No kidding! Maybe I’m dated, but I always thought of dudes when I thought of online skeezers. I just never expected it. This lady was nice looking and friendly. Couldn’t believe she was out and about. She even said very plainly she was just looking for some hook-ups!

        Reply
  7. I have a question for you divorced guys. I figure you might answer honestly in an email chat forum like this.

    Do you still want you ex? Do you secretly still want her?

    I’m falling hard for a man I’ve been dating since right after his divorce earlier this year. I’ve seen how he acts when he runs into her in public. He claims he is over her, but I’m not sure.

    I don’t want to get burned. Does a guy ever really get over his wife?

    Reply
    • Simply put – yeah, we do get over our ex-wives. But it takes time and certainly depends on the circumstances surrounding the divorce, who got dumped, for what reason, who was the victim, who the instigator, who cheated, who got hosed, who got the house, who got the money, etc. If he got dumped, sure, he could still be in love with her, have pangs for her, be pining for her, especially if not enough time has passed. He may deny it, but it could be real. Only time will tell, that and his actions.

      Reply
  8. Went through the articles and can’t find one on this subject. Or google either

    Anybody ever slept with your kid’s teacher?

    My son’s teacher (3rd grade) has been quite forward in this new year. I saw her at the school events last year when he was in 2nd grade and we’d smile and be polite then. Now he’s in her class and she’s communicating a lot.

    First about him and how well he’s doing. But now they are a little hinty and personal, like:

    “If you ever need anything just call” or here’s my personal cell.

    She’s hot and I’m game. Just worried it might cause issues. What do you guys think?

    Reply
    • I feel like I should play “Hot for Teacher” while thinking about this one. Obviously this hits a fantasy for many of us, so my initial reaction is to go for it!

      Picture the devil and angel on my shoulder. That’s the devil. Then the angel speaks up:

      She’s your kid’s teacher. You and your son have to deal with her for the rest of the year. Think it might get weird? What if she goes psycho? Now he gets an early lesson in crazy girl morning after and boiled rabbits in his backpack. Or it just gets out and he’s hearing about it at school, teased by other kids, or she gets fired.

      Can you keep it cool with her, maybe slowly moving her to simmer and then hook up at the end of the year?

      Reply
  9. First off, thanks to you guys for the great article about ED after divorce. For those that haven’t read it, you should! The stress is intense as you know and it doesn’t help when it’s go time!

    For me, though, I’ve been dating this same woman for months. I had ED issues during my divorce and post divorce days and am afraid to try it “normally”. Life is good now, I’m happy, and I wonder if I can go off the meds. Any experience out there with this?

    Reply
    • Sounds like a commercial, but have you asked your doctor?

      Just not sure if stress was the only cause. Once they do tests, then you would know.

      I came off mine a year ago. There’s some ups and downs. Mentally you may think you need it. Patience will help. Once you start having problems during the build up and you worry, forget about it. Likely not gonna happen. But it will later. So you and your girl need to be cool and see.

      And if not, so what?! You know the medicine works!

      Reply
  10. Been divorced about 6 months from a 21 year marriage. Feeling very strange about dating again.

    I starting innocently flirting with a lady at work a couple of months ago. I didn’t think much of it. Mainly it was fun to flirt again and I felt confident from the exchange.

    Now she has called my bluff. She flatly asked me today “so how much longer are we gonna tease around until you actually take me out for a drink?”

    I tried my best to stay cool and we are meeting for drinks this weekend.

    I’m worried! I always heard to not mix work and dating. I’ve seen it go badly for years, but it seems to go on all the time!

    Any advice for Johnny Clueless about dating a coworker?

    Reply
    • Couple of questions to help me out here:

      – Are you her supervisor?
      – Are you guys on the same team or have chances to work projects together?
      – Do you socialize outside of work with a group of coworkers?

      I ask these three because I’ve dated within work under each of these circumstances. Here’s my advice based on those experiences.

      – Supervisor. That was a bad call. Thankfully we kept it quiet and
      She ended it in a good way. Too many ways that could have gone bad. Just don’t do it!

      – Work same team. When I did this, we made it work and all was fine. We made an effort to not be “a thing” at work or around our teammates even though they knew. I’ve been on teams where people were a couple at work too and that was weird.

      – Socialize in a group. I regret this because when we broke up, it messed up the group. People felt they had to choose sides. Took a long time to get somewhat normal again.

      I’d say just be careful to keep the relationship with a coworked outside of the office. And don’t, don’t mess around if you are the boss!

      Reply
    • Hey Johnny: Keep your cool. Play it slow. If things emerge and grow over time, so be it. But realize if it does grow and develop and then it turns south for some reason, you could find working together difficult if not impossible. Realize of course that a job change may ensue for one of you, whether desired or not. Working together with a love interest always comes with some degree of risk for the eventual outcome.

      Reply
  11. I think I joined a large group of guys blindsided with divorce. I’m still trying to sort it out. One piece of advice a friend gave me to help focus on something productive was to pour myself into work.

    – go in an hour early
    – leave an hour late
    – bring stuff home to do when I start to get down

    It has helped, but I worry I’m ignoring a problem or even setting a bad standard for work that I won’t be able to back away from.

    Anyone else heard of this or tried it?

    Reply
    • I sat whatver works for you. It’s probably better than staying drunk, and if you get overtime you can save it for a vacation where there are half naked chicks on a beach.

      Reply
  12. Not everyone has a hard time dating after a divorce. In a way, Its easier for me now because the pressure is off to settle down and get married.

    I’m enjoying being able to strike up a conversation with a woman and take it from there. It’s not hard to suggest continuing a pleasant conversation over coffee. No big pressures or expectations. It’s great!

    Reply
    • Glad to hear it. I felt the same way for a bit. To me it was all about managing what I was looking for. A friend of mine told me it was a waste, so I didn’t expect much. I had some good dates, good times, but was always out of sync (they wanted more, I was trying to figure out what I wanted after my divorce).

      Now I’m settled, ready for something serious and it is like all those chances passed! I can’t get a good date via online to save my life. Maybe it is because I actually want someone now.

      Reply
  13. So, I’ve attempted getting back on the dating scene after my divorce three years ago via four different dating sites, and honestly, I’ve never had such a difficult time finding dates. I think I’m a nice guy, decent looking, fairly fit (not perfect), sincere and genuine. But I can’t get any ladies that I’m interested in to respond. I’ve read all the recommendations about writing to them referencing things I’ve read in their profile, and ………. nothing. Is anyone else experiencing being ignored like this or am I statistically the outlier in this experiment?

    Reply
    • Yeah, I’ve experienced the same. The dating sites send fictitious emails, winks, etc. and when I responded to them, NOTHING. The dating sites are whacked. They just suck the money out of your pocket and deliver next to nothing. In real life away from the dating sites, I’m doing just fine on the dating scene. Shame on me for ever relying on online dating to find a woman I could talk to.

      Reply
    • Common, but I have been getting a lot more messages since I changed my pictures. I had them rated by women in my desired age range. They pointed out a lot fo bad things I was doing. I took new pictures and am doing much better. Recommend looking into it.

      Reply
    • Hey Charlie,

      There are nice women out there – like me! I’ll be more than happy to rock your world. You have no idea what you’ve been missing. I’m clean and safe in every way, and I will make you want what I got day and night. You won’t ever think about your ex again, after you been with me. I got the secret sauce.

      Reply
  14. I feel lousy! My marriage ended a few years ago with my wife cheating on me. Took me awhile to get over that but finally found someone I care about. We’ve been seeing each other seriously for almost a year now.

    Problem is that I’ve cheated on her twice! I just left drinks with a chick from work and soon that will likely make it three. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but a girl flirts and I feel like…it’s nothing. I know I’m wrong but I end up doing it again. I don’t want to lose this girl but fear I’m screwed up from the first marriage. Anyone else have this issue?

    Reply
    • Tim, you lousy jerk! You’re exactly the kind of guy that women hate. And you’re the kind of guy that drives women away from men and makes them scared to date again for fear of being betrayed. Just think of what your mother would think of your antics, you dirt bag.

      Reply
  15. So how many dates should there be before a guy can realistically expect sex to happen?

    I’m divorced after a long marriage, and when I was last dating there weren’t casual hookups and friends with benefits. Is this just talk or are most women interested in casual sex early on?

    Reply
  16. I’ve been divorced for almost two years now and ended up getting involved with a woman right after my divorce. We had known each other from work for years. Maybe it was rebound, but it’s over.

    Now it’s like starting over with dating from before I was ever married. I have chicks from work that make it clear they are interested, but I want a fresh start.

    I work two jobs. Other than online dating, what are the options?

    Reply
    • It’s really quite simple. Go to where the women might be located. Grocery store, church, music store, Apple Store, phone store, open mic night somewhere, live music venue, farmers market, county fair, rodeo (if you’re in the neighborhood). It could be most anywhere. Of course, there are always bars and restaurants to frequent to see who the regulars are and if you see anyone interesting. Trust me. There are lots of places to find available women besides the online dating sites.

      Reply
  17. This may sound odd coming from a guy, but have many of you encountered women just looking for “hook-ups” when dating? At first this was great, but I’m surprised how many don’t want to date seriously…mainly because they have kids. Is this common?

    Reply
    • Dom Baby, some of us just want and need more action than one man can give. Know what I mean?

      Reply
  18. I want to figure out a way to get them off the damn websites and out into the real world. They all talk a good talk, but they panic and cancel and bail when you try and meet for a coffee, glass of wine, anything. I’ve had conversations go on for as long as 2 1/2 months, thinking that everything was great and getting closer and closer, but when it came down to it, she was too terrified to walk the walk and wouldn’t meet in person. WTF??

    Reply
  19. Just divorced and heard from a girl at work that she didn’t want to date because people just after divorce are “radioactive.” Anybody hear of that?

    She explained that she had been burned too much and divorced men need about a year to be normal.

    Reply
    • Dig deep on that one Chad. You have baggage, you just may not know it. There was a point you were in love with your ex, and now that is gone.

      Ready to have fun? Great, go and date. If the girl at work is worried, shift to someone else. But the original advice is valid; all of us for some time during and after divorce are vulnerable. Proceed with caution.

      Don’t discount the value of this time ahead of you. Treat the dating as an experiment to see what you like and don’t; about the women and YOU. Use this time to figure out what makes you tick and what you want.

      Reply
    • The “nuclear” radioactivity is on both sides on the divorce equation. Women are just as radioactive if not more so than men. Once the relationship is over, each of us needs time to reflect on what went right, what went wrong, our personal accountability for our own actions, etc. We each need time to reflect before we’re truly ready to connect with the opposite sex again in a meaningful way.

      Reply
  20. First to admit, I’ve been out of the scene for a looonnnggg time. Working through our separation and almost to divorce now, after over 20 years of marriage. It was over for awhile, just neither one of us wanted to admit it. Plus the kids were almost off to college.

    Here’s the thing: I’d like to start dating. I feel like I’ve missed years of opportunity to meet someone that really clicks. And, to be frank, I want a little fun. I was a monk for those last few years, and many of the ones before that weren’t memorable, particularly in the sheets.

    But I’m scared to death about diseases. Is everyone else? So I’m curious, how do you bring that up when dating today? I can’t imagine just saying “So, are you clean?”

    Reply
    • You ain’t lying here! Be Warned and DON’T believe her! I got snipped while married, and a girl I was dating after divorce said she was clean. A few weeks later I was on fire anytime I pissed. That’s no fun! Protect yourself!

      Reply
      • There’s just too much at stake! That’s why I shared that…don’t believe them!!! Wrap it up!! That one night was not worth what followed. I’m glad it just took some medicine, because it could have been worse!

        Reply
    • Bill, just doooo it. Ask the question and then ride that pony. I mean that in a deep, deep way. It will be really good.

      Reply
  21. This might be a stupid question, but I am now separated from my wife after 22 years. Obviously, it’s been a long time since I was dating. My divorce will be final in a few weeks. The whole process has been expensive, paying for attorneys and a new place and everything else. So my question is, how do I know when to pay for a date and when the woman should pay? Believe it or not, I actually have been asked to go out by a lady at work, so I need to know what to do.

    Reply
  22. After my divorce, my wife’s sister reached out to tell me that she knew the split was my wife’s fault, that she had wrecked the relationship any time she’d been with a good man.

    Now my former sister in law is single and will be back in town soon. She wants us to go out. Is that messed up or what? I do like her but I know my side of the family would flip out if I started dating my ex wife’s sister.

    Reply
    • RUN FOR THE HILLS. Stay away from this nut job for your own sake.

      Reply
  23. I’ve been divorced for 2 years now, and “dating” only for the past 6 months. I just wasn’t ready. My beef is the dating sites. I’ve talked to several women and felt like connections were there, conversations, laughs, etc. but it seems none of them actually ever want to “meet”. They make excuses, bail last minute, whatever. WTF!!! How do you find/get the ones who actually want to meet and give it a chance? I’m not interested in “chatting” for the rest of my life.

    Reply
  24. Divorced four years. Decided to try the online dating sites. What a waste of time. After joining four dating sites (Match, Plenty of Fish (POF), Tinder and Zoosk) let me tell you, I’ve never been more ignored in all my life. I’ve been on these sites four+ months now, written likely 100 emails of intro to various ladies trying to spark conversation and a connection. Mind you, I’m being respectful, humorous, witty, and engaging. I’ve not sent any Dick Pics or anything vulgar of any kind. Now, I don’t think I’m a bad looking guy, but you might think I was Jack the Ripper. Response from the ladies has been nearly non-existent. It’s frustrating. They all say they’re easy going and want to find their ‘last love’, want to have their ‘last first kiss.’ What crap is this if they never answer an email of introduction? How can they possibly find their forever love if they are disconnected, disengaged or disinterested. I have no idea how to get a connection. If anyone has any ideas or success stories to share it might prove helpful.

    Reply
    • Dude, I had the same thing for 6 months after I tried using those stupid sites. I was cracking off about it to my sister about how women say one thing and act another, and she talked me into letting her fix my dating profile.

      What she put in there wasn’t so much different from what I had, but it worked. Like chicks have a freakin secret code or something. Try getting a woman to fix your dating site stuff. It worked for me.

      Reply

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