I am indeed hopelessly single. Hear now my dating rant.
Today was a rough day. I exhausted myself to tears trying to deny the fact that it was actually over. Remind me to never set my heart on anything again. Well, no, not really. Although it sure feels that way today. I would say it was fun while it lasted, sort of.
She had some big red flags right from the start. As I said to a good friend, she had the kind of dating profile I would have read for three minutes and then clicked away from. I might, maybe might, have indicated interest with a “like” or something, if I kept coming back to her profile and her smile (and she does have a lovely smile) in the weeks after first seeing her, though most likely she wouldn’t have made the cut. The major thing she really had going for her (besides her good looks, charm and sweetness) was that she appeared genuinely interested in ME. She wrote to me first; she initiated contact and let it be known from the start that she was already familiar with me (she had seen me perform recently and discovered we share many overlapping rings of acquaintances).
Frankly, I’m probably the easiest guy in the world to date. Just ask me out. I’ll (almost) always try once, if there seems to be anything approaching a spark. Why not? Chemistry can truly arise in the strangest of places. Or not.
Gosh, she sure is pretty, though; lithe, petite, big smile and bright eyes. It wasn’t hard to write her back and suggest a meeting, warning signals be damned. After all, by then I had read her profile and done a bit of due diligence myself. I already had some BIG reservations about my curiosity when my history would clearly tell me to decline such an invitation. Then again, I’m a hopeless fool and I’d like to believe that someday I will prove myself wrong.
Not to mention, when you’re a single guy and a beautiful woman falls in your lap, fer chrissakes, GO FOR IT! Worst possible outcome is that you fall in love, marry her and live happily ever after (or divorce her after fifteen years of happily ever, with two kids, whom you turn on because they remind you so much of her, and she takes half your earnings plus alimony so you can have once monthly visitation rights in prison because you beat the crap out of the guy she started dating right after dumping your sorry ass… but I digress).
I also point out that just because a new person seems to be like someone else you knew before or seems to be fairly obviously classified into a current modern day archetype, every single person is unique, different and could be the one who breaks the mold. So, going against my own admonishments about not ignoring warning signs, I actually encourage you to date outside your comfort zone. Take a risk or two, if you have the time, energy, and ability to withstand some harsh ego blows, severe letdowns, and bad sex. Hey, it happens to the best of us. You might as well just dive in headfirst and find out for sure if something works or not while you have the chance. My past risk taking has given me the knowledge to avoid considerable grief these days. Having learned to see a derailment coming from a long way off, I can usually step off the tracks in time. Usually.
The first big red flag once we met was her ex-husband-drama, which she had neglected to mention in our previous conversations, but suddenly became an enduring topic in person. Apparently, she already understood well that, had she mentioned it before, I would never have given her a chance. If you aren’t free of an emotionally draining relationship, you aren’t free to date. Now, understandably, in life we do sometimes happen to have to deal with actual assholes we made the mistake of getting involved with and, because of living, custody and other familial situations, they may be closer than we like.
Still, exes with bad attitudes are bad news. It means either there’s an angry, ugly side you’re not seeing in your new love interest, or it means she was a victim of abuse and may still hold strange quirks and fears that can cause difficulties in the present. She, indeed, turned out to be guilty. I’m just a sucker for a pretty smile, I suppose. Oops.
She’s the kind of person I put in the “too busy to be serious” category. I know the type well. Full of energy and always upbeat, they are easy to fall for and impossible to catch. Mid-30s, kids, full-time career, aspirations for conquering the world, seeking someone to take them away (well, for three hours on Thursday and every other weekend, IF they haven’t already made other plans) from a life that they could not leave even if their prince arrived in a golden chariot, because they have work/court, homework/class, grading/teaching, relatives/friends, yoga/pilates/CrossFit, sick/healthy kids, volunteer/coordinate at church, day/weekend trip with best friend, etc. … planned for tomorrow and they simply can’t miss it.
These are the type of women I generally take a few big steps away from when they show interest on a dating site. Why? Honestly, I try to avoid them because I fall OH SO EASILY for their strength, perseverance, positive attitude and prevailing compassion. I try to veer away because I’m not their type, and I know it. Because I’m far too beaten, broken, damaged and worn to ever live up to their impossible expectations, or to endure their flagrant disregard for the feelings of the men they toy with. I no longer possess the fortitude to continue to wait patiently for months while they ever so slowly move me into their “safe” places bit by bit until I’m almost comfortable and then decide they are too busy to date me and ask me to understand and to maybe wait some more, if I am willing and I really do like them. Because SOON the day will come when they have more time for me, they promise. But that day will never come. And I know it. But still, I wait, patiently (or not so patiently) for the day when she has time for ME.
Her disappointed, half-shrugging, half-smiling pleadings are almost always followed with words to the effect of, “It’s not you; it’s me.” But, truth told, it IS her.
Begin dating rant.
You have done everything right, or at least, you really did give it your best shot. Sadly, it was doomed before it ever had a chance. The reason you fail is this one minor issue: she will never let you close enough to give her whatever it is that she so desperately wants in the first place, that thing that sends her out looking for a connection that can only be made if she were willing to give up on the idea that she doesn’t have the time.
“Just fuck me, now. Then go disappear for awhile until I want you again”, seems to be the general underlying philosophy of these women. And they manage to get their surface needs met, at least for awhile, until their new partner tires of the game and asks for more time. Inevitably, they justify the loss with the thought that “this guy just wasn’t right for me,” and immediately find the next poor fool to start the whole thing over again. I suppose if all you are looking for is to get laid and have many partners, this is a decent strategy. Cruel to all those poor bastards you just lay and forget about, but who cares, right? They aren’t your problem. This is all about you. This is about your time as a woman and your freedom to enjoy life! Right?
Here is where partnerships are made or broken. The only answer that works toward creating an actual relationship (as opposed to hanging out, being someone’s personal broomstick until she trades you in for a newer model) is for her to demonstrate that you count and are a priority, and for her to make time for you like anything else that is important in her life, just like you were as necessary as grocery shopping, car payments, trips with besties, or a weekend with mom. She must make you count, too. She must see you as a necessary part of her life and not just a useless trinket.
Continue dating rant.
At the end she will try to explain why she can’t do that. Her explanations are all perfectly reasonable and heartfelt. They are also complete bullshit, when you get right down to it. We all make choices and she isn’t choosing to “have a relationship with you,” contrary to her expressed desires. The saddest part is that she really doesn’t get it. She thinks you’re being pushy when you ask to be appreciated as anything beyond short term entertainment. She doesn’t see herself pushing you away. She sees you as the problem. You are the one demanding something she cannot give you, even though she keeps promising you she will.
The truth is, these women want us to fulfill something we cannot possibly fulfill with anything approaching genuine concern, while they continue to hold us at arm’s length. Frankly, I saw all the signs and I ignored them; I tried to believe something was different, something I desperately wanted or needed to believe. A fool is one who doesn’t listen to his own advice. I have no one to blame but myself. I knew she was a bad idea from the start. While I could continue to whine and bemoan my loss, the truth is I just wanted to get it off my chest.
End dating rant.
My advice remains constant; never make a priority of someone who considers you an option. That, and don’t date women who don’t have time for you. Period. No matter how smart, pretty, accomplished, seductive, sexy or alluring, a woman who doesn’t have time for you will break your heart. Every time.
I wish she would call.